As hard as it is to believe, our oldest child turns 16 this month, and is about to get his driver’s license (ya’ll pray for us). We also have a beautiful teenage daughter who is 14.
As parents, we are constantly learning on this journey as we strive to do our best at navigating these ‘new waters’ of the teenage years with grace and effectiveness.
I mean, what parent of a teenager doesn’t want to get it right? Yet, how many parents of teens get it wrong?
While we still have much to learn, here are 3 things I’ve learned in 3 years of raising teenagers:
1) THE IMPORTANCE OF ENGAGEMENT
Sadly, many parents buy into the culture’s lie that once their kids become teens, they need to be less engaged in their lives, and give them space allowing them to just ‘become their own person’. Yet, nothing could be further from the truth. The great danger in this thinking is that parents begin to withdraw from their children at a time when their engagement in their child’s life is needed possibly more than ever before.
When teens start wanting to spend more and more time behind closed doors in their room, and when parents allow them to do so, it’s usually to the demise of both parties. While there is a natural decrease in their dependence on you at this age, it’s not healthy for them to be allowed to disengage from family life. Nor is it healthy for parents to lessen their influence in their child’s life at this stage.
The teenage years are some of the most crucial and consequential years where a child’s decisions affect their future direction. And I’m finding that these are not years for increased parenting permissiveness, but rather for increased parenting intentionality. It’s hard not to notice that my teenagers eat it up when I’m engaged in their lives.
Your teenager may not show it or verbalize it, but they crave for you to care enough to stay engaged in their lives during these transitional years. And they are counting on you to do so. I’m constantly learning this.
Spencer & Faith just two years ago
2) THE POWER OF CONVERSATIONS
One of the misconceptions I had about the teenage years was that it would be like pulling teeth to get my kids to talk, but I’ve found the exact opposite to be true. In our home, some of the longest and best conversations we have are with our two teenagers. And because they know that there is no topic and no question that is off limits, this open and ongoing conversation has helped us in raising them tremendously.
I would encourage any parent of a teen to have lots and lots of conversations. Don’t be afraid to ask them questions, to hold them accountable, and to engage in their interests. What I’ve found is that if I make myself available to talk to them, and I show a genuine interest in their lives and passions, then we are going to have plenty to talk about, and they actually look forward to talking about it.
Don’t forget the fact that teenagers naturally have a lot of crazy things and feelings and issues going on in their lives, which necessitates regular conversations. That’s why my wife and I are regularly talking to our kids about things like money, friends, technology, God, boy/girl relationships, sex, and so many other things. And may I remind you that if they’re not talking to you about these things, they are talking to someone about them.
As your kids get older, talk more, when the tendency is to talk less. Here are a couple of ideas:
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Schedule times to take your child out and spend time in conversation about life one-on-one.
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Engage in regular and intentional conversation around the dinner table and other times throughout the day.
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Go out of your way to communicate that you care about them, their life, and issues that they are currently going through.
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Go into their bedroom from time to time and ask the question, “What’s on your mind lately?”
Don’t be decieved into believing that the older your kids get, the less they want or need to talk to you. While it may be hard at first to get them to open up, remember that they usually just want someone who is willing to listen.
3) THE PRIORITY OF UNCONDITIONAL LOVE
Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty… Teenagers do weird things. They don’t always make sense. They mess up. Their brain is not fully developed and it sometimes shows. This is where grace-based parenting is important to remember and practice. When I’m tempted to come down too hard on my teens for doing stupid stuff, I just have to remember how ‘weird’ I was in some ways as a teen and it helps to put things into perspective.
Raising children on the verge of becoming adults is a transition that can be interesting and even messy to say the least. I’ve found that this requires a lot of patience, prayer, and practice. No matter what your teen goes through in these transitional years of their life, make sure that you leave absolutely no room for doubt concerning your unconditional love for them as your child. Because love covers a “multitude of sins.”
I wish I could say that I’ve got this whole teenage parenting thing down to a “T”, but what I can say is that I’m constantly learning and growing and improving my approach. And I trust that in the long run, my children will be the better for it.
Remember this…
“Teens most often drift away from their parents not because they’ve chosen to, but because their parents have inadvertently allowed them to. It’s very hard for a child’s heart to drift from the heart of an engaged parent.”
What are some keys to raising teenagers that you’ve learned? I’d love to hear them.
