In a conference I attended recently, I heard this startling statistic about confidence from Dr. Keith Johnson – “From the time a child is 1-4 years old, their confidence is being cemented into place. And this confidence is developed during these years by the encouragement of their father. The encouragement of a father (or mother, teacher, etc.) empowers the son, but the criticism of the father cripples him.”
This is a really interesting truth, and one that we see played out in many areas of a child’s life. A child’s level of confidence will to a great extent be shaped by their parents.
So here are a few important observations from that statement that are good for us as parents to be reminded of when it comes to raising confident kids:
1. CONFIDENCE IS ESTABLISHED EARLY
Not only did I learn that a child’s confidence is cemented into place between the ages of 1-4. But also that generally speaking, “a person’s level of confidence never grows beyond what they have in the 4th grade.” Wow.
In fact, Keith Johnson also says that “Every person is born with a certain level of confidence. The level of confidence can be nurtured and accelerated if a child is raised in a positive and affirming environment. Or it can be reduced, shattered, and almost destroyed if the child is raised in a negative, abusive, and a non-affirming environment.”
This is a powerful fact that we as parents would do well to pay close attention to. Like so many other things, our children’s confidence or lack thereof for the remainder of their lives will be determined by how we talk to them, relate to them, correct them, and encourage them while they are young.
2. CONFIDENCE IS OFTEN HEREDITARY
If you as a parent are not confident, it’s likely your children won’t be either.
But confidence, or the lack thereof, is displayed in so many more ways than just what we normally think. Confidence is displayed in our everyday interactions with other people, in our tone of voice, and in our willingness to confront issues within our own home.
And confidence is about so much more than just personality and whether or not we are introverted or extroverted. It’s about both how we think about ourself internally, as well as how we carry ourself externally in daily life.
Confidence is one of those things that is more caught than it is taught. Because we ultimately become what we see, and our children will rarely exceed the level of confidence that they see in us.
3. CONFIDENCE IS INFLUENCED BY OUR PARENTS’ WORDS & ACTIONS
More than just through our example, we have the ability to intentionally invest confidence into our children through our words and actions. Did you notice in the quote earlier that a parent’s words have the ability to “empower” or to “cripple” (Proverbs 18:21)?
There is something very impactful in the life of a child when their mom or dad speaks life into them through words that say, “I believe in you. You can do this. You are an amazing kid. I’m so proud that you are mine. You are so talented. You always make me smile.”
Words have power both to build up and to tear down. And your child’s self-esteem and level of confidence will be directly related to the words you choose to use, and the tone with which you use them, in daily conversation. Through your words, your child will either feel good enough or not good enough, built up or torn down, an investment or an inconvenience. Because, whether for good or bad, our children will either live up to or live down to the level of our expectations of them.
I’ve seen this so many times in our own children. When I believe in them, they believe in themselves. Because they are looking for someong who truly believes that they have what it takes, no matter what it is they’re facing.
Ultimately, our kids need to find their confidence rooted in who God has created them to be, knowing that He has given them a purpose to fulfil and has equipped them with the confidence they need to fulfill it. We have the privilege of guiding them into understanding this.
As someone who has struggled with this issue of confidence since I was a child, learning some of these principles has been a great help to me personally.
I also loved this quote… “Once you KNOW who you are, you can GROW into who you are.”
Let’s help our kids know who they are both to us and to their Heavenly Father, so that they have every reason as children of God to be confident and grow into who they were meant to become!
Philippians 1:6 Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ.
