Kids have needs. And many of those needs can be met by many different people. However, God intended a child’s most basic needs to be met by his or her parents. Dad and Mom have so much lasting impact on a child’s formation that it’s hard to really measure or quantify the level of influence one’s childhood has on the rest of his or her life.
But if we peel back another layer of that influence, things that may come more naturally for a mom, if prioritized by an engaged father, can be massively impactful. Its not far-fetched to say that a father’s intentional influence can either make or break a child’s future in so many ways. This is why “father wounds” are such a real thing for so many people.
Here are 5 things your child needs from their dad possibly more than from anyone else.
Words of Affirmation
I’ve spoken to many men who have similar fathers wounds. In so many words they all tell me the same thing, “No matter how hard I tried, my best was never good enough.”
Dads, our words have consequences. Sometimes their hurt is unintended, yet still very real and deep. So many men have told me of a single harsh phrase or small moment in their memory that has haunted them for years because of a dad who spoke harshly or unnecessarily rather than patiently and graciously.
Regular and simple words of affirmation like “I love you,” “I’m proud of you,” and “Great job,” go farther and last longer than we realize because they are life giving. But years are rarely forgiving of words said out of harshness, anger, or frustration.
Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof. Proverbs 18:21
Physical Engagement
Kids need male affection. And they need it from dad.
This may look different at different ages. As a baby this may look like holding and cuddling. As a child this may look like wrestling and rough play or hugs and story time on your lap. As a teenager this may look like a hand on a shoulder, a pat on the back, or an embarrassingly big squeeze at an unexpected moment.
The laws of sowing and reaping are so evident in a father/child relationship. Note these important reminders on why father engagement matters from the Children’s Bureau, “The absence of fatherhood engagement… hinders development from early infancy throughout childhood and into adulthood. The truth is there are psychological effects of the absence of a father figure for children that will persist throughout the rest of their lives.”
He which soweth sparingly shall reap also sparingly; and he which soweth bountifully shall reap also bountifully. 2 Corinthians 9:6
Emotional Presence
To our children, love is often spelled T-I-M-E more than anything else.
When my teenage sons were asked recently what they loved most about me as their dad, their first response was, “He spends time with us.” That was both meaningful and an important reminder for me that even in the teenage years, more than anything else, my presence and engagement is one of the loudest things that still speaks love to my kids.
Dads, it’s not enough for us just to be physically present. We must be emotionally present and engaged as well. Let’s start spending less time scrolling on social media and watching television, and more time talking and playing with our kids. The digital world will always be right where we left it, but our kids won’t.
Walk in wisdom… redeeming the time. Colossians 4:5
Interest In Their Interests
A son’s or daughter’s many interests are a doorway for a dad to enter into their world and connect on an emotional level. This is why knowing your child’s niche is so important.
If you want to engage with your child’s heart, you must engage with your child’s interests.
I have a 13-year-old son who is really into hunting and fishing—two things I have ZERO interest in myself. However, I’m learning to engage with him on that level about things that matter to him, and he loves it when I do. I also have a 16-year-old to whom currently, basketball is life, so as a fellow basketball enthusiast myself, I find that a bit easier to engage with.
Whatever “that thing” is for your child, lean into it and your child will more naturally lean into you. This is a simple yet powerful principle of success through engagement that Paul utilized for the Gospel, and that we can practice in our parenting too.
And unto the Jews I became as a Jew, that I might gain the Jews; to them that are under the law, as under the law, that I might gain them that are under the law… I am made all things to all men, that I might by all means save some. I Corinthians 9:20-22
Positive Example & Spiritual Leadership
Spiritually speaking, a child’s greatest view of who God is will come from their earthly father.
Children who fail to see God’s love through their father often fail to see a loving father through God.
Practically speaking, kids need male leaders to be examples in their lives of how to treat women, be responsible, and live a life with impact, and that starts with dads.
“Kids are the great imitators, so give them something great to imitate.” -Anonymous
I was recently reminded of the spiritual impact of dads by these statistics:
-
3.5% of a family gets saved if the child is saved first.
-
17% of a family gets saved if the wife is saved first.
-
But 93% of a family gets saved if the husband is saved first.
My son, give me thine heart, and let thine eyes observe my ways. Proverbs 23:26
Dad’s, our influence physically, emotionally, and especially spiritually has a long-lasting, even eternal, impact that cannot be understated. ENGAGE!
How can you be a more intentionally engaged father to your child today?
