As a child, our youngest son had a terrible habit of repeatedly failing to do what he was asked. And his excuse was always the same… “But, I didn’t hear you,” or ” I forgot.”
On some level, all parents deal with kids not doing what they’re told. And most kids have a million excuses for why they don’t obey. Especially some common ones.
Because we’re always giving out instructions, as parents, we can begin to feel more like drill sergeants than disciple-makers, and experts at behavior management rather than heart shaping.
But is there a simple solution to avoid all the excuses, and help our kids respond positively to correction and instruction, all while tapping into their hearts?… Yes!
Today’s Strategy — The Required Response
When our son started making these repeated excuses, we implemented what we now call “the required response.” The required response involved two specific things:
- mutual eye contact
- a verbal response
Prior to this, there were times we would give him instructions, and there would be no eye contact and no verbal response. This left plenty of room for him to use excuses when he didn’t get things done.
However, once we started requiring eye contact and a verbal response, his obedience success rate increased considerably.
I encourage parents to teach children to respond with, “Okay Mom… Dad” or “Yes ma’am… sir” as they look you in the eyes.
With really young kids getting right down on their eye level can also be helpful.
This practice of making eye contact and getting an answer provides three benefits:
1. Mutual understanding that the child has heard you
Sometimes, we would have our son repeat back to us specifically what we had just asked him to do so that there was no confusion. Simply ask your child to repeat the instruction back by saying, “I will…” and then fill in the blank. This provides clarity.
When both players understand and acknowledge the game plan, their team is a lot more likely to win.
The second benefit of a required response is:
2. Accountability and an intent to follow through
A child’s response confirms that they understand your expectations. A simple “Okay Dad” will give greater confidence that your child will obey you than no response at all.
If a child doesn’t respond, simply repeat the instruction by saying, “I’m not sure if you heard me, but will you please…”
If they say they heard you the first time, simply remind them of the expected response to acknowledge you and your request.
This strategy provides greater clarity around discipline when instructions aren’t followed through or are intentionally disobeyed. Excuses on the back end don’t fly when there is eye contact and mutual understanding on the front end.
It also teaches your child the life-long habit and importance of verbally acknowledging all adults and authority when spoken to.
The third benefit of a required response is:
3. A window into your child’s heart and attitude
Obedience is not everything. Attitude matters (Ephesians 6:2).
When asking your child to wipe off the table and they respond with a huff, or a sarcastic “Okaaay, Mommm” you know that your child has an attitude problem that needs to be addressed at the heart level.
When this happens, sharing your observations, and asking questions are your friend. For example, “When I asked you to wipe off the table, what made you feel the need to respond sarcastically, or with frustration?”… Is that an appropriate response?” (You can utilize the repeat re-do strategy here from last week.)
Teaching your children to provide “the required response” gives you a window into their hearts, and an opportunity to have needed heart conversations when you notice something is off.
By implementing strategies like these, you can live according to biblical principles (Psalm 15:1, Colossians 3:21, James 1:19) in your parenting while at the same time intentionally reaching your child’s heart, not just their head.
Do you already use this strategy, or will you start using it this week?
