No parent can avoid it. No child is without need of it. Discipline.
But, believe it or not, discipline is a gift.
Discipline provides parents with an unparalleled opportunity to tap into the innermost workings of their child’s heart. As a parent, you have:
– An opportunity to draw their heart towards you not away from you
– An opportunity to focus on forgiveness and restoration rather than frustration and retaliation
– An opportunity to highlight God’s grace over your rules
In each case, the first is better than the second. Discipline done right provides an avenue for discipleship where we always point our children to an ultimate authority greater than ours.
Today’s Strategy — Discipline as Discipleship
If discipline is a means for discipleship, what happens after discipline is just as important, if not more important, than the discipline itself. So…
- What is your follow-up plan after discipline?
- Is there a positive conclusion that you are striving toward?
- How can you win your child’s heart rather than lose it during these times?
- And how can you point them to their greatest need of God’s grace?
When dealing with your children during times of discipline, here is a three-step follow-up plan that we used and found successful:
1. Talk with them.
No child should ever be drug by the ears to the bedroom or smacked and told to change.
Discipline in the home should happen with the same love and tenderness our Heavenly Father uses when he disciplines us as his children.
He is patient and kind, yet he doesn’t budge an inch.
It is important (both before and after discipline) that kids clearly understand what they have done wrong that has required discipline.
This requires an intentional conversation that includes sharing your heart and listening to theirs.
Here are a few questions from my friend Scott Turansky at biblicalparenting.org about how to have a “settle down” discussion after discipline.
- What did you do wrong? (Help them admit they were wrong.)
- What should you have done differently? (Help them realize what they could have done instead.)
- What will you do next time? (Help them commit to doing the right thing.)
- Who do you need to apologize to? (Encourage them to say “I’m sorry” only if they are truly sorrowful. Otherwise, “I was wrong for… Will you forgive me?”)
2. Pray with them.
After talking with your child about how to make things right, always end these times with prayer.
This step can be a beautiful moment of reconciliation as you embrace your child and pray with him, asking God to change his heart in ways you never can.
Not only does this communicate your love, but it also communicates God’s love and forgiveness.
By praying together, these times can become spiritual moments of repentance and restoration.
Your child’s actions have not just been against a person but against God himself.
Praying also serves as an opportunity to teach your kids the value of talking to God and trusting him to help them change in needed areas of their hearts and behaviors.
When done in a God-honoring way, discipline prepares a child for God’s grace through salvation.
In a real sense, discipline is discipleship. You are pointing them to Christ and the cross he endured because of their sin.
Teaching our children proper submission to our authority now teaches them ultimate submission to God’s authority forever (Proverbs 23:13-14).
They can learn this indirectly through these intentional times of prayer.
3. Love on them.
After talking with them and praying with them, it’s time to love on them like never before. Times of discipline are opportunities to win your child’s heart through your unconditional love.
So always end on a positive note with hugs and confirmation of your love.
Kids want and need reassurance that you love them unconditionally just as God loves us and that you will never stop loving them no matter what they do.
Squeezing your child tight for an extended period of time communicates something powerful—unconditional love, acceptance, and forgiveness. And be prepared to hug your child for as long as she wants until she is ready to let go.
This needs to be an intentional time of apology, acceptance, and restoring of the relationship (and other relationships if necessary).
I’ve seen parents send kids to their rooms without doing any of the three things listed above. I’ve also seen parents who, after disciplining their kids, storm out of the room angry, spewing words like, “You just sit here and think about what you’ve done before you come back out.”
Do this enough times and you’ll be guaranteed to break your child’s spirit, and ultimately, lose your child’s heart.
But, on the other hand, if you love your child unconditionally through discipline, even though she’s disobeyed and disappointed you, you tap into her heart and hit parenting gold.
When your child understands what she has done, who she has truly done it against, and that your love for her hasn’t changed, you have succeeded at turning a negative into a positive while at the same time positively shaping your child’s view of their Heavenly Father. Score!
Discipline balanced with love always equals respect, but discipline without love always equals rebellion.
When you discipline with such love, compassion, and intentionality, you experience some of the sweetest moments that exist between a parent and a child (Hebrews 12:11).
You are no longer just conforming your child’s behavior. You are now changing your child’s heart. And you’re doing it by winning that heart, moment by moment, through times of discipline as you ultimately point your child to his greatest need of all: Jesus.
You are using times of discipline as discipleship.
By ending discipline this way, you are communicating the two things every child needs: clear boundaries (you aren’t going to budge on the rules) and unconditional love (you’re never going to love them any less, no matter what they do).
This is how God loves us as his children. This is how we can love our children like God.
** If you’d like to save a PDF copy of this month’s four behavior strategies for yourself or to share with a friend, you can do so here, or by clicking the image below.
