“I’m going to count to three, and if you don’t obey, you’re going to be in big trouble.”
“If you don’t stop teasing your sister, you’re not going to get dessert for the next year.”
“Why can’t they listen to me the first time? They only obey once I raise my voice.”
Is it possible that we’re actually and accidentally teaching our kids NOT to listen to us by the way we parent? Yes.
If you’ve ever found yourself asking “why won’t my kids listen,” you might have become blinded to what’s obvious to others.
Here are three of the most common ways parents inadvertently teach their kids to tune them out.
Yelling
You’ve trained them to only take you seriously when you raise your voice. Until you yell, they know you’re not serious and can tune you out. How do they know this? From past experience, where you’ve created the rules to this game.
Louder parents don’t raise more obedient kids. Because children don’t need volume in order to listen. They need consistency.
Repeating
If you’re constantly repeating yourself or reminding your kids to do things you’ve already told them to do, or not to do, you’re carrying the weight of responsibility for them. Instead, allow the natural or pre-determined consequences to follow their actions.
If they know you’re going to keep reminding them until it gets done, and if there’s not accountability when it doesn’t get done, why should they need to listen or show responsibility? The simply answer—they don’t.
The solution to this is really simple:
- Make intentional eye contact
- Calmly and clearly tell them what to do
- Get a verbal response
- Then hold them accountable if they don’t do it
Threatening
Making threats is not the same as enforcing consequences or holding your kids accountable. “If you do that one more time, you’re going to be in trouble.”… “If you don’t put your coat on, I’m leaving you.”
Threat-phrase parenting is counterproductive. Empty threats are clouds without rain, and they teach your kids NOT to listen to you, rather than to take you seriously.
The easiest and most effective way to ensure your kids will listen to you and obey you the first time, every time, is simply to expect them to, and to enforce that expectation. No yelling, repeating, or threats.
Just a calm, clear expectation that you are the parent, you have the right to tell them what to do, and consequences will follow if they disobey. That’s it. If you will consistently do this, your kids will start listening to you—the first time, every time.
No more mean parent. No more frustrated parent. No more broken-record parent. Just kids who listen when they’re told, as God intended (Ephesians 6:1).
** Almost EVERY parent struggles with this on some level. So don’t be discouraged, just start making intentional changes, stay consistent, and watch things start to change over time. If you need more specific insights, check out the included links above. If you still have a specific question or need, comment and let me know.
