Every parent who gets to the end of their parenting journey always has some regrets, or things they’d at least have changed. But what if we could reverse regret?
I believe that in some ways we can on the front end. And especially as parents, if we choose to be intentional. Regret always happens by accident, right? Nobody intentionally strives for regret. So the greatest way to reverse regret is to exercise more intentionality now, resulting in less regret later.
Because regret is basically us one day saying this, “I wish I’d have…”
But in order to reverse regret, we need to currently and constantly be saying this, “Today, I will choose to…”
So what if we were to purposefully learn from the past, and more intentionally invest in the future… What would that look like?
Here are three chioices you can make today to one day end up more regret-free as a parent:
1. Learn from the Mistakes of Others (especially your own parents) and don’t repeat them
Reality check – Your parents did some things right when they raised you. AND they did some things wrong. And you know very well which parts are which. Yet oftentimes as parents, we inadvertently just mirror how we were raised, both the good and the bad, because it’s what comes natural to us.
But remember, just because your parents did something the wrong way, doesn’t mean that you have to repeat it with your kids (yelling, not saying I love you, not showing enough affection, being critical or negative, etc.) And just because your parents did something right, but did it the wrong way (disciplined, but out of anger… served in ministry, but at the expense of family, etc.) doesn’t mean that you should abandon those things yourself. You have the opportunity to do those things right for your children.
I remember sitting down with a young man who was struggling with alcohol addiction, and he said to me, “Growing up with alcoholic and abusive parents, I always told myself that I would NEVER become an alcoholic, because I know how it had ruined my life as a child. But here I am, addicted to alcohol myself, and it’s out of control, it’s ruining my family, and I don’t know what to do.”
No matter what it is, if it’s in your past, you have the potential to carry it into your future. So learn from the mistakes of others. Because history that is not learned from tends to repeat itself. And with it comes a lot of regret.
2. Invest Time and More Time into your kids
Throughout my 16 years as a parent, I’ve made it a practice to ask “empty nester” parents (and specifically fathers), this question, “If you could go back and do anything differently while your children were still at home, what would it be?” And the answer is resoundingly the same from all the people I have talked to… In so many words they say, “I wish I’d been more intentional to spend more time with my kids while they were still young, and to invest into them while I had the chance. It all goes by so fast.”
Isn’t it amazing that this is the greatest regret that nearly every parent faces in the later years of thier life, yet young parents all around us still don’t “get it” themselves? They still go about pursuing every success, possession, position, or amount of money that they think will bring them and their family happiness, all while at the same time, ironically, often sacrificing their very family for those things. (What can you give up while your kids are still kids?)
While the parenting days seem long, the years are short. The small daily drops into the 18-year bucket accumulate far too quickly. So invest time and more time into your kids – spiritually, emotionally, relationally. It’s one of the best ways to guarantee a regret-free future.
3. Believe that Prayer Changes Things
Sometimes we try so hard to do this parenting thing in our own strength – the strength of the flesh. But that’s not where the power is. The truth is that you and I can’t be the parent our kids need and deserve no matter how hard we try. We are inadequate in and of ourselves. That is why we desperately need the power of God through the power of prayer. Parenting is one of God’s greatest ways of showing us just how desperately we need Him and His help.
Because as much as we want to, we can’t change our children’s hearts, their minds, or their future. We can’t make them believe what is true. We can’t force them to serve the Lord with their lives. But what we can do is set the example of a life-well lived, be a testimony of God’s grace at work in our own lives, and pray the devil out of them until they are old enough to fight him completely on their own with God’s help.
No matter what situation you find yourself in as a parent, remember that prayer changes things. And nothing is beyond the power of God to be able to change in your children. However, the sooner you start this whole prayer thing while they are still young, the better.
While there are many other things that can factor into regret-free parenting, if I can successfully do these three things as a parent, I personally believe that as an empty nester one day, I will be able to pillow my head at night with more peace than regret. Do you agree? Disagree? I’d love to hear your thoughts, or what you’d add to this list.
