Today’s Reader Question: “How do you handle siblings who can never get along no matter what you try? Should this be a concern or will they grow out of it?”
- “They’re not letting me have a turn!”
- “That’s not fair!”
- “Why can’t you just leave me alone?”
- “You’re so annoying!”
While sibling rivalry is normal, it certainly isn’t pleasant. Especially for parents who are caught in the middle of trying to keep the peace in their own home. So what can parents do? Here are a few recommendations:
Set Practical Boundaries
One of the practical boundaries we have set in our home is the principle that “We treat each other better than our best friend.” (I learned this from my friend, Greg Gunn, with Family-Id.com.)
Why should we treat others outside of our family with more respect and more kindness than we do those within our own home? While it’s certainly easier for tempers to flare and for unkindness to be common within the home due to everyone’s close proximity, your home also provides the best training ground for how to learn proper life relational skills and practices.
Boundaries are a must. Whatever boundaries you decide are right for your family when it comes to sibling treatment, make sure that those boundaries are clearly explained and consistently enforced.
Here are a few boundaries you might consider for your family:
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We disagree civilly – yelling, bashing, or name-calling is off limits.
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The blame game is not allowed. It takes two to argue. (When telling our kids to explain “what happened”, we require them to start by saying “I…” and then explain first what they did.)
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Losing your cool is never acceptable (hurting the other person, slamming doors, etc.)
Don’t Always Come to the Rescue
This is where a lot of parents mess up. They always step in and try to resolve the situation between siblings. But that is not real life. Your child has to learn how to solve problems for themselves. This requires that you become more of a coach than a referee.
For our family this often means that when there is an argument or scuffle between siblings, mom or dad will step in briefly to assess the situation and give some direction, then the siblings are left to figure things out on their own without allowing the situation to escalate any further. Unless there is danger of physical harm, as much as possible, don’t get involved, except as a coach.
Your children’s greatest need is not for you to solve their problems, but for you to teach them how to solve their problems.
Navigating the process of sibling rivalry can give your children foundational and relational skills for years to come. Because God designed for the skills learned through family life to carry over into children’s future relationships for the rest of their life. This is part of why some kids thrive in life relationships while others struggle for years to come, because of the foundation that was laid at home.
A couple of practical suggestions here:
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Teach your children that resolution is not primarily about proving who is right and who is wrong. It’s about working together to find a solution.
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Remember that sibling rivalry can help you teach your children how to see things from another person’s perspective, how to wisely compromise and negotiate, and how to practice self-control and be a peacemaker. These are life skills that will give them a future advantage in any relationship.
Enforce Realistic Consequences
Allow them to be in control of both their actions and their consequences. Put them in the driver’s seat by having clear and practical boundaries as mentioned above, and when those lines are crossed, clear and practical consequences to follow. Allow them to feel the pain of their choices.
When our kids aren’t getting along, after giving them practical directions and the consequences that will follow if unresolved, I leave them to figure out the situation for themselves. And I always tell them, “somebody’s got to give in and not get their way.” I then leave the room but listen from a distance to ensure that there is a balanced resolution.
I rarely if ever have to raise my voice, and I rarely if ever have to figure it out for them. In fact, they don’t want me to figure it out for them, because my process is always accompanied by uncomfortable consequences.
A few tips here:
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If you allow your words to carry weight by speaking for themselves, you will never have to raise your voice.
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When your child understands that they are responsible for their own actions regardless of how they were treated our provoked, it’s a win-win for all.
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The ages, practical consequences, and levels of intensity will vary at different seasons of your parenting.
Have Intentional & Specific Spiritual Training Times
The Bible has a LOT to say about getting along (Matt. 5:9, John 15:12, Rom. 12:14-19, Ephs. 4:32, Phil. 2:3-5, etc.). So use it to keep an ongoing discussion about sibling rivalry in your home and how the Bible applies to real-life situations. There have been times in our family life where “getting along” has been an ongoing theme out of necessity in our family devotions and discussions. (Try not to be preachy, but practical here.)
The goal is not to teach your children what to think, but how to think… to resolve problems with them, not for them.
This can and should happen both impromptu in the moment and intentional in the home.
Practical tips:
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Have family meetings where you clearly identify/explain the boundaries and consequences, as well as to discuss how the family has been doing at getting along and avoiding conflicts.
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Praise, celebrate, and reward successes when you see them. Don’t just constantly jump on your kids when you see them getting it wrong. Intentionally look for ways to catch them doing it right.
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Last, but certainly not least, pray. Pray for them. Pray with them. Pray over them. Pray often for God to give you the wisdom to lead your children into a loving relationship with each other, and ultimately with Him.
To answer the final part of the question, “Do things get better with time, and will my children grow out of this?”, I would say, Yes! If you consistently practice these principles with your children, there is light on the other side. 😉 Sibling rivalry goes through seasons of intensity and importance.
Remember, God designed the family in such a way that it would prepare children for how to handle life and relationships in the real world (Think, Love God. Love people). Sibling rivalry, if handled properly, provides an awesome opportunity to do just that. So, for you, the parent currently in the middle of that intensity, recognize that it has a purpose, and you have a huge part in seeing that purpose fulfilled.
