Our 8 year old recently got into a bad habit of having multiple excuses for why he shouldn’t have to do what he’s told when he’s told.
For example, a few weeks ago as it was time to get ready for bed, I told him very clearly to go brush his teeth. But 10 minutes later, I saw him still playing and asked him, “Have you brushed your teeth yet”, to which he responded, “No, because I was going to have a glass of milk before I brush my teeth.” I explained to him that his failure to brush his teeth when told was an act of willful disobedience. However, in his mind, for some reason he thought that because he was still going to drink a glass of milk, he wasn’t really disobeying, he just hadn’t gotten around to it yet. I explained to him that “obedience is doing what you’re told when you’re told, not doing what you want, when you want.”
A similar scenario played out when he was told recently to do something by an authority figure, and he proceeded to try to explain to them why he shouldn’t have to do it. He was told to hand in something that he was holding, to which he tried to convince the authority that he wasn’t doing anything wrong with it so he shouldn’t have to hand it over. This went on multiple times before he handed over the item. When talking to him about this, it was obvious that he mistakenly thought that he had done nothing wrong because he was not misusing the items he was holding. I once again had to explain to him in simple terms that the problem was not the item (rubber bands in this case), but his failure to obey without question when he was told what to do with them. These instances were followed up with consequences for his actions.
And this is a common occurrence with children in general – kids trying to rationalize their behavior away to authority to get their way or to get out of trouble when confronted about something. I teach children weekly, and there are often times when I will confront a child about their wrong behavior to which they deny the misbehavior all-together by trying to state that they never did what they are being confronted about.
Our children’s excuses will often take on multiple different forms like, “I’m sorry” or “I forgot” or “It wasn’t me.” This can be quite frustrating for a teacher or a parent when kids make excuses for their behavior. And it frustrates us for a number of reasons:
- They are convincing. In their kid logic, we want to simply agree with their logic and believe them. However, when we stoop as adults to agreeing with a child’s mistaken logic, we actually reinforce that logic, making it harder for them to break out of such logic as they get older. For example, a child who is allowed to make excuses and get away with things because they make those excuses is going to believe that making excuses is an acceptable way to live. When they become 18 and have a job, can you see where this could potentially be very problematic?
- We feel bad for them. It’s very hard not to want to sympathize with a child who is trying to talk their way out of trouble. But we should much rather deal with the inconvenience of training a child the right way while they are young than push off the inconvenience only to have to deal with the greater consequences of our leniency with that child in years to come. Sometimes we have to care more about our child’s future than we do about our child’s feelings. This would solve a lot of problems.
- They know how to push our buttons. Children are smart little goobers. They know how to pull on the emotional heartstrings of their parents and teachers. Whether this is in the form of cute excuses, whipping out the crocodile tears, or simply becoming pouty and accusatory that we “just don’t like them” or are picking on them, children know how to push buttons. Sadly, they are learning what works and what doesn’t, and are taking mental notes for years to come. We must be cautious and intentional.
Regardless of the situation, if you are dealing with a child who is making excuses or refuses to accept responsibility for their actions, here is what is most important in those moments that you do.
Kindly, yet firmly, hold them accountable for their behavior.
This can be done by repeating yourself, asking additional questions, or enforcing consequences as needed. If the child is not yours, taking matters to their parents is usually one of the best approaches. If you would like a more comprehensive list of practical ideas that we have used and recommend, click here.
One thing you want to try to avoid at all costs is arguing with a child. Arguing with a child puts you both on a level playing field where they feel just as authoritative as you do in the situation, with both of you just trying to prove the other one wrong. This is not healthy and should not be allowed between parents/authority and children.
This may take time, but with consistency, a child can be trained to understand that excuses are not an acceptable response to misbehavior. The correct response to authority on any level is for a child to obey what they are told, when they are told, or to accept responsibility, not make excuses for their actions when corrected. As always, when dealing with misbehavior we want to address the deeper issue of the heart, and show our unconditional love for the child in how we deal with them.
By teaching the children in our care to practice this simple principle of accepting personal responsibility, we are preparing them for life in the real world.
