Throughout many years of observing parents, one thing I have seen that has the potential to divide families, foster unhealthy favoritism, and wreak havoc on the well-being of children is this – parents who aren’t on the same page.
It’s like a coach and assistant coach who aren’t in agreement on how the game should be played, and so they have different expectations, rules, and requirements of their players. Do you think it would be likely that such a team would have much chance of being successful? Of course not. So why would something far more important such as the family be any different?
I’m not talking about preferential or personality differences (because we all have those), but about key components of family life and conflicting attitudes that directly affect the way that a husband and wife parent, and the children that they are called to raise as a team.
It sadly happens often in many families where one parent undermines the other behind their spouses back, yet in front of their kids, and as a result, they breed disrespect, contempt, and an unhealthy future mindset in their children that this is somehow ‘okay’ in families. When a dad says, “Hey, you can do this because mom’s not looking,” or when a mom says, “Oh, it’s okay, as long as dad never finds out”, what they are in essence doing is inviting division and the seeds of disrespect into their family.
This is why it is so important that mom and dad HAVE TO get on the same page in their home and in their parenting. When God said “they shall be one”, the benefits were far reaching. This includes all areas of life, including finances, parenting, beliefs, and so much more. As parents, we have to be ONE in front of our kids… Because the Scriptures are clear that a house divided cannot stand.
I can’t say that my wife and I have never argued or disagreed in front of our kids (because we have), but I try to make it a practice that when we start to, I simply say, “Let’s finish this conversation later”, and we leave it at that until a more appropriate and private time. Because our goal is to the best of our ability to always be UNIFIED in front of our children.
But this issue goes far beyond just arguing in front of the kids:
- When one parent allows their kids to get away with behaviors, attitudes, or actions that the other parent would discipline them for, that is terribly unhealthy.
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When kids know that there are one set of rules when dad’s away, and another set of rules when dad gets home, that’s an unwise game-plan. Yet it happens in many homes.
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When one parent allows their child to manipulate them into allowing something that they clearly know the other parent has told the child no to, there is trouble in the works.
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(All of these reasons and more are why it can be so difficult for children of separated families to live back and forth between multiple environments, authorities, and sets of rules. If you are a parent who faces this challenge, please read this – Oh No, Jesus was a Step-child!)
Need I remind you about the biblical stories of couples who weren’t on the same page, and the devastation that it caused in their life stories? How about just this one?… Take Isaac & Rebekah for example, who each had favorite sons, Esau & Jacob. And remember how well that story played out over the years?… Lots of problems and unnecessary drama. (Thankfully, through God’s providence, the story still ended well.)
God’s design for marriage and the home is TWO people going in ONE direction in EVERY area of life!
Jesus said in Mark 3:25 If a house be divided against itself, that house cannot stand.
If you and your spouse aren’t on the same page, especially when it comes to parenting, I can guarantee you that your kids know it, and they will take advantage of it as well. A wise couple will identify areas where they need to get on the same page and take necessary steps to get there.
For the couple that desires to be a mom and dad who are on the same page for the sake of their kids, here are a few practical reminders:
- Don’t EVER bash your spouse in front of your kids, or even talk negatively about them. EVER.
- Agree to NEVER fight in front of your children. (Or like us, when the fight starts, agree to get the boxing gloves out later.) Let’s face it – married couples fight. But they need to do it at the right time and in the right way.
- Remember, you and your child are not a team. You and your SPOUSE are a team! Kids know how to play their cards. They know which parent will usually cave and which one will stand their ground. Kids need to know that they can’t work mom against dad, or dad against mom. Because when a parent and child become more of a team than a husband and wife, problems are sure to follow.
- Talk it out until you come to agreements as a UNIFIED team about what your expectations will be of your children. (Get on the same page about things like bedtime, chores, discipline, house rules, expectations of respect in the home, etc.) Because, let’s get real, if you two can’t get clear on what the expectations are in your own home, how in the world can you expect them to be clear in the minds of your children?
Parents who are not on the same page have given the devil a dangerous foothold in their family.
Luke 17:11 A house divided… falleth.
But oh how powerful a family can be when they are unified being led by a ‘coach’ and an ‘assistant’ whose direction and vision and goals are the same.
Psalm 133:1 Behold, how good and how pleasant it is for brethren to dwell together in unity.
