As you’re raising those little humans, they are constantly changing. Just like the weather has its seasons, life and parenting are much the same way. Our kids naturally go through seasons, or stages, of continual growth. And with each of these different seasons, your children have different needs. And you as the parent, have different responsibilities.
Over the years, I’ve heard these stages described in different ways, but one of them I like best is from Andy & Sandra Stanley. Interestingly, they first heard it from someone else themselves. They list the seasons in 4 categories – the discipline years, the training years, the coaching years, and the friendship years.
Let’s break these down simply to understand a kids’ needs and a parent’s responsibilities in each of these areas. I’ve previously written on all of these stages, and have included links to additional help for each depending on where you are in your parenting journey:
1. The Discipline Years (ages 0-5)
Child’s primary need – CONTROL – To learn that there are both boundaries and consequences. These are the years where ‘who is in control’ must be established. (this becomes especially true during these three crucial years)
Parent’s primary responsibility – CONSISTENCY in teaching their children who is in control, what the boundaries are, and shaping the foundation of their worldview. Consistent, loving discipline is a must during this crucial developmental stage.
2. The Training Years (ages 5-12)
Child’s primary need – GAINING UNDERSTANDING – To understand the why behind the what of your family’s values and expectations. Correction is still needed, but with more explanation. (This age is crucial for establishing with your kids a “no question is off-limits” policy that will also continue through the next season.)
Parent’s primary responsibility – SHAPING WORLDVIEW through teaching and training, questions and answers, and applying faith and truth to real-life situations.
3. The Coaching Years (ages 12-18)
Child’s primary need – LOVING GUIDANCE – To be guided from the sidelines to know ‘the plays’ of how to practically live out their faith. (If done right in previous seasons, this is a season of less correction and discipline, and more connection and depth in your relationship. This needs to be a season of guiding your children through many conversations.)
Parent’s primary responsibility – PRACTICAL PRACTICE – You’ve trained them, now it’s time to start nudging them towards the edge of the nest to test and refine their training and make sure they are ready to fly on their own in the future. If you’ve practiced the principle of more control now, less control later, you may enjoy some early years of quality friendship in this stage.
4. The Friendship Years (the adult years)
Child’s primary need – SPACE – To be allowed to experience their independence by making their own decisions with a hands-off approach from mom and dad. Unless they are still living at home, they are no longer responsible to you, even though you will still be available to them as needed for wisdom and advice.
Parent’s primary responsibility – SUPPORT – You have helped them develop character, responsibility and a biblical worldview, now it’s time to watch them soar on their own. When they need you, be there, but not as a parent, but a friend. You’ve worked hard for this. Enjoy it.
The changing seasons of childhood demand the changing responsibilities of parenthood. So… which season(s) of parenting are you currently in, and what needs to be your primary focus in that season?
By raising your children through the lens of these intentional categories, it helps you as a parent have a mental roadmap for how to gradually yet purposefully fulfill your responsibility – to prepare your children for the relationships and responsibilities of life in the real world.
Next week, I’ll give you some tips for how to help your child right where they are, no matter what stage they’re in. (Are you subscribed yet to get the weekly goods? If not, click here.)
Are you a mom who’s stressed out with the stage of parenting you’re currently in or could just use some encouragement? Check out my friend, Jenni Lahmann’s, FREE 7 Day Victory Laps for Moms Course. I’m positive you’ll be glad you did!… http://jennilahmann.com/
