One of the ongoing struggles for nearly every parent is striking the balance between being a friend, a parent, and even sometimes an adversary to their children.
We all have the same desire for our kids to like us, yet we all sometimes find ourselves playing the part of the bad guy.
Undoubtedly, there will come times in every family that kids and their parents will find themselves at odds. Kids will want to do certain things that parents just won’t allow. Personalities will clash. Expectations will collide. Major differences of opinion will unmask.
And the natural tendency in most homes when this happens is three-fold:
- Tension builds in the home.
- Volume level increases in the home.
- And progress plummets in the home.
It’s never intentional, but before you know it, you feel like anything but a friend, anything but a parent, and everything like an adversary with your own kids.
I’m not a believer in the idea that every child has to rebel against their parents. They don’t. But every child will go through seasons of struggle in their life, some more and some less. And when they do, parents need to intentionally choose NOT to play the part of the adversary.
Because regardless of our differences, we are for them, not against them. We don’t do this passively, but with a balanced level of patience, persistence, and prayer.
Have you taken on the role of being the adversary in your own home?
The opposite of being the adversary is your kids knowing that you are there for them and that you are both on the same team regardless of the challenging moments of life and any struggles they face.
They need to know that you are their nurturer, their protector, and their guide through the tough times of childhood, adolescence, and the teenage years. And they need to know it early on.
With those thoughts in mind, here are a few suggestions for how to avoid becoming the adversary in your own home:
1. Make sure your children know that you are on their team
This doesn’t mean that you are passive or always take their side in situations. There will still be plenty of times when correction and confrontation are necessary. It simply means that they understand that you operate out of a desire to always do what is best for them.
You care about their problems, their decisions, and their future, and they know that. They can tell this by your controlled tone, your ability to act like the adult in any given situation, and your biblically guided perspective.
You just happen to be the coach on the team and they are the player. Players sometimes disagree with the coach, but the coach is still responsible for the overall good of the team and its individual players.
“When you can get to the point that your child knows without a doubt that you are for them and not against them, you’ve made massive progress in your parenting.”
2. Make sure your children know that you love them unconditionally
When your child understands that your love for them is limitless and that nothing they can ever do will change that, they’ll not be as likely to view you as an adversary when the tough times come.
That’s why it is critical for parents to instill this mindset into their children at the youngest of ages. Your child needs to be reassured of your love both through praise or punishment.
Your child needs to hear you say, “I will always love you no matter what.”
Parents who wait until the teenage years to try and pull out the “Unconditional Love” card are going to be in for a big surprise.
A foundation needs to be established that no matter what decisions they make and no matter what decisions you make, you are always going to fight for what is in their best interest. When this foundation is present, they are much more likely to view you as a loving coach than as a lording adversary when they struggle.
3. Make sure your children know of God’s amazing plan for their life and your goal to help them reach it
When there’s a clear understanding at an early age between child and parent that the parent’s role is to help the child accomplish God’s plan for their life, there’s a sense of unity and peace even in the midst of a storm.
We’ve seen this played out in our own family multiple times even recently when we’ve had to tell our children things they really didn’t want to hear, and yet their response was this, “It’s not what I wanted, but I know you’re just doing what’s best for me.”
Tell your kids often that God has something special planned for their future. Mention it when you daily pray with them. Talk to them about their dreams, desires, and ideas of what they think God might want to do with their life for His kingdom.
Plant seeds of trust and confidence in your child’s heart that you care about them and their future. You may never see those seeds grow until the times of struggle come in your child’s life, and they trust you rather than resent you.
Parents, when your kids struggle or rebel, intentionally make a choice not to play the part of the adversary. Like the prodigal’s father, make sure they know that you are for them, no matter what.
There are naturally going to be times when you get to be their friend, and there are inevitably going to be times when you’ll have to be their adversary.
The balance between the two is that you learn to always be their God-given parent.
