“If you love me, why won’t you give me what I want?”
This was a surprising question one of our kids asked me recently. (Nothing humbles you like a kid accusing you of a lack of love because you wouldn’t let them have cake for breakfast.)
But it made me think.
Giving our kids what they want is really a two-sided coin.
1. Giving as an act of love.
Sometimes, giving our kids what they want is a beautiful expression of love.
“If a son ask bread of any of you that is a father, will he give him a stone? Or if he ask a fish, will he for a fish give him a serpent… If ye then, being evil, know how to give good gifts unto your children: how much more shall your Heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to them that ask him?” (Luke 11:11-13)
Like our Heavenly Father, we naturally enjoy giving good gifts to our children simply because we love them:
- An unexpected present or surprise
- Ice cream after dinner
- Hugs, playtime, attention, and affection
There are countless ways we can say yes to our kids to show them love. (Here are “5 reasons you’re struggling to say “yes” to your kids.”)
2. Not giving as an act of love.
But here’s the flip side: sometimes not giving them what they want is an even greater act of love.
Proverbs 29:15 reminds us that “A child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.”
Children left to themselves naturally don’t make good decisions. It’s just how kids are wired. Left unchecked, my kids would survive entirely on popsicles and screen time, and call it “self-care.”
God has called us not simply to be the physical protectors and providers for our children, but even more so, the gatekeepers of their hearts.
Until they can make wise decisions for themselves through a properly trained conscience, and eventually the Holy Spirit within them, we get to serve as their default conscience in matters of their best interest.
When my child asked that question, it was in response to not getting something they wanted in the moment, but that wasn’t actually good for them.
Sometimes the greatest act of love is saying no, even when it’s inconvenient or hard. (Here are “5 reasons you’re struggling to say “no” to your kids.”)
This requires discernment by relying on our own trained conscience, walking in the Spirit, and letting God guide us in the daily moments that make up our parenting.
Chip Ingram put it well: “A child who never hears ‘no,’ never faces consequences, and never learns to connect choices with outcomes will struggle to understand the loving authority of God.”
Sometimes giving our kids what they want is an act of love. Sometimes not giving them what they want is a greater act of love.
Where can you say “yes” to your kids this week? And where might you need to say “no”?
